The Handjob That Gave Me Emotional Clarity
Written by Jocelyn Silva
I love some casual sex.
Here is the thing… I have been in and out of relationships since I was 16 years old. Constantly in one monogamous relationship after another with some slutty moments and unfaithful encounters sprinkled around. Even though my sexual empowerment journey started a very long time ago and I have since enjoyed sex very much, in the last 3 years is really when I allowed myself to go BALLS TO THE WALL!
Meaning, I have been hoeing it up like crazy and (for the most part) loving every minute of it! There are some moments where I get gripped with the expectations that the world has placed on women. They don’t happen often, but when they do… they come in HARD (pun intended). Here is a story about one of those times…
We matched on Tinder
I had just gotten back to LA from Spain and was eager to see what was out there in LA. I saw his profile. Let’s call him, “Vincenzo.” I see his profile and what got me swipe right was the speedo we was wearing on photo # 3 (it means he is European and I loved the chest hair he was rockin) and he mentioned that he has a strong French accent (What did I say?! European!).
Since I started traveling so much, LA natives just don’t do it for me anymore! I love meeting foreigners even in my city. It allows me to show LA through a different lens to someone who doesn’t know it that well. It excites me to be a tourist in my own city!
Anyways, I see this and I swipe right. BOOM we match. Let the games begin (insert devil smile emoji)
We met for Coffee
He was staying in Santa Monica which isn’t too close to where I live in the San Fernando Valley. Luckily, I had plans to attend the Ecstatic Dance event in Venice Beach that Sunday so I was going to be in his area either way. I messaged him where I was and he chose a spot for us to have a coffee, Urth Caffe (Highly recommended! So cozy!)
We meet up and immediately I think he is so cute! Very tall, blonde, blue eyes, strong jaw line, broad shoulders, and a slender build. I kid you not, homeboy looked like freaking Prince Charming! We greet each other with 3 kisses just like the Swiss do it (Did I mention he is from Switzerland? Well, he is)! He had a beautiful smile and was very warm with his approach. We head into the cafe and talk about our day and we did. His accent is so darn adorable. He kind of sounds like a French person doing a leprechaun impersonation. That is the best way I can describe it and I thought it was so endearing!
I order a tea, he orders a coffee and chocolate chip cookie, he pays for everything (score!). We site and chit chat about life, travel, goals, intentions, etc. He was a great conversationalist. The thing I loved about him the most was how he sprinkled little sayings every now and then like “See you later alligator” or would make jokes that didn’t sound like jokes so I would get confused for a second then realize he was joking. It was confusing and adorable all at once!
We both told each other we would love to see each other while he is in town. He was going to be in LA for another week or so. We hugged, gave each other 3 kisses, then said good-bye.
The Sunrise Hike at the Griffith Observatory
We made plans to meet a few days later at the Griffith Observatory for a sunrise hike. Fun fact about me… the Observatory is my FAVORITE place in LA. I lived down the street from it during the pandemic and it became my little escape when things were getting cray cray with the world.
At the time of this hike, I was still pretty jet lagged from flying in from Spain so my body was automatically waking up at 4am and to be honest, I fucking LOVED it! So, inviting Vincenzo for this morning hike just felt like a no-brainer. Morning hike to get the blood flowing, beautiful views, and semi-nature… FUCK YES!
We go on the hike and get to a spot where we can see the sun come up clearly. He begins to hold me from behind. He tells me he thinks I’m cute. He holds my waste as the city gets lit up by the bright morning sun. I can feel the warmth from the sun on my face and a smile paints itself on my face. I look up at him, and he kisses me. It was actually pretty fucking romantic for a first “official” date. It was cute!
So, we finish the hike and pick a spot for us to have breakfast. I brought us cinnamon raisin toast from Trader Joe’s, organic peanut butter, bananas, berries, and vegan vanilla protein shakes for breakfast. It was so yummy!
This is where our conversation starts to get a little spicy.. He asks me what I do for a living and I tell him, “I’m a sex coach and sex educator.” He makes a dumb joke about it like most men do when they hear what I do for a living (eyeroll) and then we make a bet. Now, I cannot tell you how our conversation led to this, but here is where it went! He said he hadn’t had sex in a while and that his body is “loaded” ya know… like he hasn’t released himself in a while. He was also staying in a dorm at a hostel so he didn’t have any privacy to jack off either sooo yeah homeboy was horny AF. The bet was that I could make him cum in less than a minute (lol). I, of course being cocky AF, said let’s do it! I KNOW I can make it happen. Give me ONE minute and I will make you bust harder than you have ever busted before! Well not really, but still it will feel nice… promise! *wink wink*
So, we walk back down the hill towards the cars where the bet will take place…
The Handjob
We come back to my care and notice that my windows aren’t as tinted as I had thought. Plus, at this time it was like 8am and people were everywhere! Who would have thought that so many people like morning hikes?! Sheesh! So, we go to his car instead.
He was renting a BMW which also didn’t have great tinted windows, but alas that is all we had and all of this talk about busting nuts was making ME horny! I was excited to win this bet!
Ah, I forgot to mention! If I won, he would have to take me out on a very nice date that would end in the happiest of endings. If he won, I would have to do anything he wanted me to do to him sexually on our next date (with consent of course). Dope! I was in! Something you gotta know about me is that when I like someone, I am a giver! I love to get people off! It is so much fun!
Anyways, we are in his car now. He hopped into the backseat and began to make out. I gotta keep it real with you… his make out skills weren’t that great (insert monkey closing eyes emoji). I was able to look past it, however, because everything else about him was great! He was attractive and sweet! Fun and kind! I was OK with him being mediocre at kissing.
We put his sweater over his lap. I slip my hand down to the waistband of his shorts, go under to find his dark dick and begin to stroke. I can feel his penis pulsating in my hand and I am LOVING IT! We look at the clock and the time begins! I am kissing him while stroking his cock using my signature move (take my blowjob course to find out what it is!). He starts to pant heavily. I can feel his body twitch. “Oh my god, I’m gonna cum already.” Two seconds later, he starts to thrust his hips back and forth, moaning, and kissing me while seemingly having a hard time controlling his body movements. I feel his warm cum drip down my hand as I am stroking his cock. I couldn’t feel myself, but I KNOW I was wet AF too.
We look at each other, giggle at the craziness of this encounter, and I lay next to him while we caressed each other for just a couple of minutes. I HAD WON THE BET.
We talk about how fun that was and a few minutes later, get ourselves sorted, he drives me to my car, and we say goodbye. His hug was warm and sweet. He lingered in wanting to hold me. I liked that.
I turn around, pull out my keys and get into my car.
My Emotional Clarity
As I am about to drive away, it grips me.
FEAR. INSECURITY. SHAME. GUILT.
What if he never wants to talk to me again?
Was that super slutty? Like TOO slutty?
Why did I do that? I can NEVER keep things wholesome!
He probably is not gonna want to talk to me ever again…
Then, I told myself to STOP.
I asked myself, “Jocelyn did you enjoy yourself?” The answer was YES.
“Would it be the worst thing in the world if he never contacts me again?” The answer was NO.
Can I be OK with what I did because I enjoyed myself? Can I JUST LET THINGS BE WHAT THEY WERE?! A fun moment with a hot Swiss guy at the Griffith Observatory at sunrise? The answer was YES.
I realized that as long as I feel good about my sexual experiences. As long as I am proud of myself. As long as I can accept the casual aspect of it knowing that I may never speak to this person again, I can feel good about myself.
I learned the value of ALLOWING FOR THINGS TO BE WHAT THEY ARE. A FUN TIME AND A GREAT STORY THAT BRINGS A SMILE ON MY FACE.