Written by Athena Gayle

Monogamy can be a struggle. In fact, it’s actually super rare in most mammals–less than 10% of them are monogamous. And even with our fellow primates, only 25% of the species practice monogamy.

So why do humans choose to live this way?

Honestly, nobody has a definite answer–but scientists do agree on 3 different theories

1. Babies need a TON of care and two parents can share the burden
2. Men choose to stick around to prevent their partners from cheating
3. Women evolved to monogamy to keep men from murdering babies they suspected weren’t theirs

On a side note, humans aren’t considered “sexually monogamous” (think geese who only mate with one partner their whole life), instead, you’re considered “socially monogamous”. Basically, you like to live as a couple, and more than likely you’ve had sex with another person at some point in your life.

Okay enough with the anthropology lesson–let’s get to the kinky stuff.

What is a Hotwife?

In the swinger community, a “hot wife” is the wife or partner with permission to engage in sextivities with other people. And you don’t have to be a swinger to join the fun–anyone dabbling in an open relationship can sample this lifestyle.

According to 2021 Pornhub stats, “Hot Wife” was the most often searched by peeps living in Massachusetts. Which is super random–but the Bay Staters have spoken (uh… searched).

Hotwives AKA vixens.

But, you may get varying opinions from the kink community. And I say, who needs a label anyways?? Here, the two terms will be interchanged for all intents and purposes.

How is a Stag different from a Cuckold?

Don’t get us wrong, cuckolding still has its…ahem…hold on America–as the fifth most popular porn search (and it climbed 168% in 2021). Not to be confused with polyamory, the cuckolding fetish is all about sex. For some, the cuck is left out completely. But for most people, it’s the humiliation fetish of being fully aware of the sexual activity going on and being restricted from joining in.

Random trivia– William Shakespeare used this term a lot. He wrote four major cuckold plays and cuckolding was the subplot in two others. AND he sprinkled it in as a vague insult in several other writings. Calm down, Willy!

So… how is a cuckold different from a Stag?

The big difference is humiliation.

Stags aren’t into this sexual fetish. A Stag is fully involved in the pre-arrangement of their partner having sexual affairs with other people. And they may join in on the sexual rendezvous.

So what does the Stag/vixen lifestyle look like?

In a typical hotwifing dynamic, the lady partner is encouraged to sleep with other men, and the man partner gets super turned on by this–they’re sexually aroused by other dudes being attracted to their partner.

This lifestyle can feel forbidden and taboo because men aren’t supposed to be okay with their wives sleeping with other peeps. And you shouldn’t want to “cheat” on your husband (side note–if both parties agree, this is NOT cheating).

This sex isn’t random or even polyamorous–the sexual experiences are pre-arranged and have negotiated boundaries. If a hotwife or vixen has sex with another person without their partner’s consent or knowledge, this is still considered cheating. No Bueno.

Don’t forget about the Bulls.

The guy you’re hooking up with is often called a Bull. It should be noted, this is the term used in cuckolding too. You don’t need a Bull that’s into humiliation to have “Bull sex”. And sometimes the other dude doesn’t even want to be called a Bull–that’s okay too! There are literally so many different ways to enjoy this lifestyle, be creative and make it your own.

Traditionally, the hotwife (you) will get all dolled up in lingerie or sexy outfits to meet up with the man/Bull your husband has arranged (or you arranged–make the dynamic what you want).

Once the sexy deed is done, you’ll return home to your super turned-on husband (man-partner), to be reclaimed.

What is Reclaiming in the Hotwife Lifestyle?

This is the reason why the men who LOVE this kink, agree to it. Reclaiming is the erotic ritual of sharing the kinky details of your taboo rendezvous with your partner. Followed by a super passionate session of lovemaking–so your body and soul are reclaimed. The thought of you being pursued and taken by another guy will drive your spouse crazy and they’ll be eager to reclaim their bride (you) as their own.

Why do people love the Stag/vixen lifestyle?

It allows you to live out your wildest sexual fantasies and gives you the empowerment to explore. If done right, it’ll increase trust and communication in your relationship. And free you of the “jealous partner” trope.

If your husband has had this kink fantasy creeping around their mind, it’ll release him from the typical cuckolding dynamic– skipping the humiliation fetish altogether. Because some guys want you to f*ck other men, but don’t want to be humiliated by it. It’s complicated.

The whole point of hotwifing is to sexually excite the couple.

How do you become a hotwife?

First off, you’re beautiful– so you’re already a HOT wife. End rant.

Okay…

You might be wondering… “how do I talk about hotwifing with my partner?”

When introducing any new dynamic, kink, or fetish to your relationship– becoming a hotwife starts with communication. You need consent from your husband (partner) and YOU need to give consent too. This may have been a secret fantasy of yours or maybe your hubs brought it up, either way, you’ll need to agree on some boundaries.

You need to figure out WHY you want to get into Hotwifing. Your relationship with your partner comes first–even in a Stag/vixen dynamic. A common misconception is your lack of desire for your current partner, thus wanting to find another. This isn’t true in the hotwife lifestyle, you’re doing this to increase sexual pleasure and grow your relationship.

Here are 3 tips for talking to your man about becoming a hotwife:

1. Don’t just drop it on him. He’ll freak out. If this is something completely out of the blue, he’s going to question your motives and wonder who the mystery guy is you want to sleep with. Instead, introduce the fantasy via threesome porn or dirty talk during your sextivities. If he starts connecting your level of horniness with this type of desire– he may be more open to the idea.
2. Prepare yourself. Your husband/partner will ask a ton of questions (as he should). So get your research out of the way and have some resources readily available to share with him (ie this article ⬅ shameless plug).
3. Give yourselves time. Talk about it and then, talk some more. This will impact your relationship–preferably for the better. It’s a long-term project, not a quick fling.

Alright, you’ve brought it up and he’s in… now what?

Set the rules

Hotwifing at its core is the wife hooking up with another guy– the agreement will vary as to if your husband sticks around to watch (or joins in at the end). Or maybe they’ll be sent hotwifing pics or videos.

Take the time to lay out both of your expectations– what you’re comfortable with and any interests you might have. This sexual experience should bring you closer together and increase the intimacy of your relationship–not break you apart.

Here are some basic questions you should discuss before starting your new Stag/vixen lifestyle:

Who’ll be in charge of finding the other guy(s) and where will you find them?

Will both of you screen (vet) the potential partners?

Where will the sexual activities happen?

How will the husband/partner like to be involved? IE– communication with Bull, videos/pictures of the hotwife sextivities, or involvement in play.

What are your safety precautions?

Find the right Bull

For both YOU and your husband– because his wants/needs are just as important as yours in this relationship dynamic. You’ll want the Bull to be reliable, stable, sane, and down for this role.

You can find knowledgeable and experienced Bulls through reputable sites like Fetlife or word of mouth if you’re already involved in the kink scene. This isn’t the sort of thing you should be swiping through Tinder for or meeting random guys at the bar.

Before you hop in the sheets, take the time to meet your potential hook-up buddy. This is called “vetting”. You and your partner can meet them for coffee and discuss everyone’s expectations– safety, ground rules, and how you ALL want the scene to go. Take it slow and feel out your chemistry.

Play the vixen role

This is all about feeling empowered and attractive–you don’t need sexy lingerie or “club” clothes to meet your Bull. Maybe you’ll build a role-playing persona unique to this scene. You’re fulfilling a naughty fantasy so this might look different from your typical sexy time romp.

It’s important to be comfortable–this will help you feel like your MOST sexy self.

So what if you want a hot husband?

Okay, so you might be reading this and thinking… my spouse would NEVER be down for this. And actually, you’re turned on by the thought of your husband hooking up with other ladies.

Say hello, to a hot husband.

While this isn’t a super common dynamic, they’re ARE wives out there who want to send their husbands out to have kinky, dirty sex with other women for their OWN sexual pleasure.

And if is you– you’re not weird, or alone in this one. As kink awareness continues to grow and vanillas swap their “normal” sexual experiences for something a little more taboo– hothusbanding is becoming a thing.

If you want to explore this kink, simply follow the above info–just flip the gender roles. Easy peasy!

Or maybe you’re not with a dude? Also fine. You can create a hotwife kink in any type of relationship.

The bottom line– play out your fantasies.

Sexual exploration is fun and a great way to build intimacy in your relationship. When open communication is used and all parties feel respected and included– a Stag/vixen lifestyle can be a successful, sexy time.

Everyone is entitled to a great sex life. So give yourself permission to discover your fantasies and let your curiosity guide you toward a kinky lifestyle.